Mental Health is a Marathon

32 simple things you can do to feel better today

Sorry folks, but no audio version this time. I’m on day four of a cold and my voice is rough.

So…how’s everybody doing? 

I am doing really well…and also not so well. I’m happy…and sad. I’m full of hope…and dread.

As Jeff Goins wrote recently, “I continue to marvel at both the difficulty and beauty of life.”

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My husband and I arrived in Italy two years ago today. Of late though, my body’s been in Italy, but my mind’s been very much in America, what with the two devastating hurricanes, and the election just three weeks away. Plus, multiple people in my life, people I love deeply and am very close to, are going through things that are big and scary and sad, and I want to help them, to “fix” things, to make it all better. But that is not the way life works.

Author and podcaster Jen Hatmaker posted something powerful earlier this week, and I was going to share an edited version of it here. But when I tried to cut it down, I couldn’t find anything that didn’t belong. So here’s the whole thing: 

If anyone is feeling fundamentally overwhelmed by this world right now, please know you aren't alone. It is so hard to talk about how to manage the onslaught of information, outrage, propaganda, war, bombs, disinformation, fear-mongering, genocide, campaigns, hot takes, sorrow, and death. Because people are suffering and dying and disenfranchised, and it is our responsibility to stay in the game. 

We have to. Of course we have to. 

Also, we are not built for this. We are not designed to handle 24/7 overstimulation. We actually cannot carry the weight of the fucking world because we are just knobby little people who don't have the capacity. Our nervous systems aren't made to stay in fight or flight. Our adrenaline isn't designed to stay spiked. Nor do we have the power or ability to fix everything, everything, everything, everything, everything that is so broken right now. 

We want to, because we aren't monsters. Thank god. Our hearts are broken because they still beat. We care about our neighbors because they are beloved and we know this. 

I am simply saying the world is unbearably heavy, and no generation before us had round the clock access to every single damn bit of it. They didn't have computers in their hands screaming all the horrors at them once every 20 seconds and then holding them accountable for not responding perfectly. 

If you're worn out, it is because you are just a human person. You're not doing this wrong. We do all we can do: tell the truth, love our people, vote, stay humble, live in your neighborhood, regulate your intake. You have one small patch of this earth to manage, so tend it with grace. Including your own dear little heart.

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Step by Step

Nearly 20 years ago, I ran my first marathon. It was a goal that would have seemed preposterous to me less than one year before I accomplished it. Afterward, I had many people say to me, “Oh, I could NEVER run 26.2 miles. How did you do it?!” My answer, in all seriousness, was “One step at a time.”

I have come to view mental health as a marathon of its own kind. The only way to attain, or maintain, anything resembling mental health in a world as hyper-frenetic as ours is to take one small, simple, steady step. And then take another. And then another.  

I wrote at the end of last year that I was going to publish a “2024 Survival Guide.” And then…2024 happened. And that guide did not get completed or published.

But today, I’m going to boil down my very lengthy rough draft of that Survival Guide to one post that highlights simple actions that help me when I start to founder. They’re not dramatic, Eat Pray Love-style upheavals. These are things that we can do today, and tomorrow, and every day, in the midst of jobs and school and parenting and caring for aging parents and everything else in real life that pulls at our attention and weighs us down. 

These are all things I have done, and continue to strive to do. I’m compiling them all into one place as a resource I can quickly turn to in the future when I need to steady myself. I am in no way attempting to position myself as some sort of guru, trust me. Because I forget all of these steps. Routinely. I have to come back to them again and again. That why I’m writing this.

I’m doing this for me, but I am also very much doing it for you. Of course, not all of these will be your cup of tea, and that is completely fine. Pick what works for you, and ignore the rest. Truly, I would be thrilled if just one of these tips connected with each of you and helped you make your own life a little better. Imagine the ripple effect around us if we all just took a bit better care of ourselves each day!

Everything in here has been gleaned from my years of near-obsessive intake of self-help and self-care tips from books, podcasts, magazines, blogs, etc. I have given attribution wherever I can, but I am pretty much a self-development junkie, and I couldn’t possibly remember where I’ve learned all this over the last decades.

All that said, here is a collection of simple steps—in no particular order—that you can take to help make your life markedly better today. 

#1. Stop arguing with reality

I am a fan of Ryan Holiday, and especially his focus on Stoic philosophy. This first step is my paraphrase of something he wrote. I can’t overstate how much time I have spent over the years upset about the way things are. But life is what it is. When things don’t go the way I want, when they don’t turn out the way I think they should have, well…tough. I need to accept it and move on to #2. 

#2. Focus on what you can control

This is another key principle I learned from Ryan Holiday. I have spent an inordinate amount of time in my life focused on things I cannot control, which is inarguably futile and an utter waste of time and energy. It is much healthier to focus on things in which I have at least some sway, some agency, some influence, some ability to affect the outcome.

#3. Put on your own mask first

I know this one is a bit of a cliche, and for years I resisted it because I somehow thought that underneath it all it was really just selfishness. But I finally realized that I can be of little good to people around me if I am falling apart. Self-care is not inherently selfish. (This may seem like a no-brainer to you, but it really took me a long time to grasp it, and I still have to regularly remind myself of it.)

#4. Say no

And say it a lot. Including to yourself.

#5. Stop trying to “clear the decks”

Work on your true priorities and let the rest slide. I got this one from Oliver Burkeman’s incredible book Four Thousand Weeks, which rocked my world so much that I intend to re-read it periodically until I die.

#6. Floss your teeth

This probably feels like an odd one, but it’s one of my favorites. I was in my mid-40s before I finally acquired the discipline to floss every day. Now it feels so good to me that if I have a morning where I don’t do it, my teeth/gums feel yucky, which makes my whole day feel off. Self-care doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive; flossing is one of the easiest things you can do to treat yourself to long-term benefits. It’s even good for your heart!

#7. Sing

It doesn’t matter if you can carry a tune or not. Spend five minutes singing. It will almost certainly boost your mood.  

#8. Watch the “Bathtubs Over Broadway” documentary

Speaking of singing…Chances are really good you’ve never heard of this charming, quirky, and unexpectedly moving (and award-winning!) documentary about the strange and very funny world of industrial musicals. I learned about it from Tricia Rose Burt, and I’ve been an evangelist for it ever since. Once you’ve seen it, you’re going to want to listen to the soundtrack over and over.

#9. Do something for someone else

Say please and thank you. Hold the door open for others. Carry groceries up the stairs for your neighbor. I always appreciate small acts of kindness, and it always makes me feel better when I do them for someone else.

#10. Ask for help when you need it

It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of self-awareness.

#11. Reduce (or eliminate) your caffeine and alcohol consumption

I know what my American readers are thinking right now: The election is in three weeks, and you’re suggesting I give up my two favorite drugs? Are you insane?!?

I’m planning to write in depth about this topic in the future, so for now I’ll just say that there is tons of information out there about how caffeine and alcohol are terrible for anxiety and depression. Seriously: terrible. Pretty much two of the worst things you can do to yourself if you’re feeling anxious and/or depressed. So at least consider not having that third cup of coffee or second glass of wine.

#12. Pause and think before you speak, write, act, or react

I believe it was Oprah who first made me aware of the fact that we are responsible for the energy we bring into a room or into a situation. Before we say or do something, we should ask ourselves if it will be helpful, productive, or constructive to the recipient. Simply vomiting up our anxiety, fear, or anger to others helps no one. As someone who lives very much caught up in the moment—and not in a peaceful, zen-like way¹—this realization was rather life-changing for me.

#13. Tell someone that you love them

Sounds so simple, and seems so obvious. So why do we so seldom do it?

#14. Read an obituary

This is my twist on another Ryan Holiday favorite: Memento Mori, or “Remember that you are going to die.” Obituaries can be sad, sure. But they can also be inspiring, or cautionary tales. I heard an episode of The Happiness Lab podcast a while back on this topic called “A Matter of Life and Death” that I’d recommend.

#15. Mind your own business

It may have also been Oprah who first hammered home to me three principles that would absolutely make life so much better if we all just remembered them: 

• I am 100% responsible for the choices I make. 

• I am not responsible for the choices other people make.

• I am not responsible for what happens to me—but I am 100% responsible for how I respond to it.

#16. Be on time

This one stings, because I have a lifelong habit of being slightly late for things. The kicker about that, though, is that I am always very stressed when I’m running late. A year or so ago, I had a, umm, groundbreaking realization: If I simply left on time for my commitments, I wouldn’t be so frazzled and rushed all the time. (Told you: groundbreaking!) So I started making a real effort to do that, and oh my goodness, you just can’t believe how much calmer I am when I’ve managed my time correctly and I’m able to travel to and arrive at engagements on time.

#17. Make a little progress every day

This is a tough one for me, because I can get easily paralyzed by the magnitude of a situation. But we need to just do the next right thing. Identify the next step, and then take it. Don’t let the fact that you can’t do everything keep you from doing something. Author and podcast host Dan Harris likes to remind us that “Action absorbs anxiety.” The world can be big and overwhelming, but look for places you can plug in to make a difference. Give your fear a job. Give of your time or money. For me right now, that means working to help get out the vote of Americans living in Italy through Democrats Abroad, and writing letters to registered voters in my home state of Michigan, and singing in an LGBTQ choir working to change hearts and minds in Italy, one concert at a time. What does it look like for you?

#18. Be kind

Even if the other person isn’t, and even if they’re wrong.

#19. Buy fresh flowers

Last winter, during a very bleak stretch of weather in Milan, my husband brought home some tulips and put them on the table in our dining nook. I was amazed for days at how a simple bouquet of flowers transformed our entire living/dining room.

#20. Reduce your screen time

This is another one that feels like a cliche at this point, but is almost essential to truly feeling better. There are loads of articles and books about how our electronic devices are bad for us; I won’t go into them here. But I will list five related tips:

• Turn off most or all notifications. Stop allowing your phone to hijack your attention with unimportant and unnecessary distractions. It’s ruining your brain.  

• Set up your phone so that you can easily switch the screen to black-and-white, which will in turn make it much less attractive and addictive for your mind.²

• Do not sleep with your phone in your bedroom. Seriously, don’t. Charge it overnight in the kitchen or bathroom or living room—anywhere but your bedroom. This is such a small thing, but it makes a big difference. I promise.

• Reduce or eliminate social media use. This one is especially for my American readers in the run-up to the election. At least consider removing the apps from your phone, so you’re forced to sit at your computer in order to log on to your social accounts. If you’re unconvinced, give this “We Can Do Hard Things” interview with Roxane Gay a listen.

• Stop watching television. It’s bad for you. And avoid cable news at all costs.

#21. Have a dance party

My husband introduced me to this idea. Just take a 10-minute break, and dance. Doesn’t matter where you are, or if you’re alone or doing it with others. It is pretty much impossible to not feel better afterward.

#22. Go to the gym

This is one of the most important ones for me. If more than 4-5 days pass without my going, I can be hard to live with. (Just ask my husband.) I know gyms are intimidating to some people, but if you’re open to the possibility, find a gym you like (otherwise you won’t go) and start to put together a routine for yourself that is realistic but rewarding. My friend Tony taught me a lot about how to lift weights some 25 years ago; since then, I’ve worked with several different trainers who have taught me more. From all those experiences, I put together my own routine that I aim to do 2-3 times a week. It’s a sure-fire way to improve my mood and energy level, and it yields benefits for days afterward, as well as in the long-term.

#23. Go outside and get moving

If you can’t afford a gym membership right now, it’s free to go outdoors! And it doesn’t have to be a big deal. You don’t need to buy new workout clothes or equipment. Just go for a walk or a bike ride. If you don’t have time before or after work, go during your lunch hour. It won’t solve all your problems, but it will almost certainly make them feel less overwhelming.

#24. Schedule coffee or a phone call with a friend

Catching up with someone you haven’t talked with in a while can keep your social connections strong, as well as minimize feelings of isolation and loneliness.

#25. Listen to one of your favorite albums

Choose music instead of a podcast or television. (I almost never do this anymore, so I’m talking to myself here.) It’d be great to do this while just relaxing, but if you legit don’t have time for that, then do it while you’re washing dishes or cleaning the bathroom or folding laundry. Guaranteed mood-booster.

#26. Never read the Comments section online

(Pretty sure I got this one from my cousin Beka. Thanks cuz!) Also, never have an online argument; there are literally hundreds of better ways to spend your time.

#27. Write a morning mantra for yourself

This is another one that was at least partly inspired by Oprah.³ She has a somewhat lengthy one for herself, and I tried writing one of similar length, but I found I could never remember it all. So what I do, most mornings when I first wake up, is to look at the ceiling and just say (in my head) “Today is a gift, and I am thankful for it.” And then I usually think for a second about friends and loved ones who are no longer with us, and about what they would give to have a day like today. It’s simple, it’s short, and while it’s not a miracle cure, it’s a pretty good way to start the day.

#28. Read a book or watch a movie

Do something that will take you out of this present moment and give your mind a vacation.

#29. Identify your guiding principles or core values

Take an hour or two and write down what is most important to you. Think about ways you can increase the presence of those things in your life, of ways you can course-correct your life to more closely align with those priorities. My husband and I did this a few years back before we decided to move to Italy, and it was very influential in our decision-making process. I plan to write more about this in the future. 

#30. Adopt a pet

We just celebrated seven years since we welcomed our dog Bibi into our home, and despite the fact that sometimes she is inconvenient, and sometimes she’s crazy, I love her and wouldn’t trade her for anything.

#31. Choose to be happy

Or maybe choose “happierness." Life can be so overwhelming, but we can choose how we respond to it. A few months ago, I stumbled across an album called “I Will Not Be Sad in This World” by Djivan Gasparyan and Vachagan Avakian. The music is, honestly, kind of sad. But I just love the feisty defiance of that title! It puts a smile on my face.

#32. Show yourself grace

Remember that strong trees still sway.

I’d love for you to leave a comment and tell me if something in here has connected with you, and I’d also love for you to share your own tips for self-care! There’s always room for more.

I’ll close, as I often do, with the way Joyce Vance ends her newsletter:

We’re in this together.

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Keeper Quotes

Here are a few quotes that I keep coming back to.

Good decisions are not made by those who are running on empty.
-Ryan Holiday

No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.
-Alan Watts

It’s okay to not have an opinion about something. It’s also okay to have an opinion about something, but not share it with those around you.
-Anonymous

If a problem can be solved, there’s no use worrying about it, and if it cannot be solved, then worrying will do no good.
-The Dalai Lama

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say why some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how it is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.
- Kent Nerburn

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Recommendations

Here are a few random things I particularly love, that help keep me headed more or less in the right direction.

"The Dose” by Dr. Samantha Boardman

This is a weekly newsletter from the author of the incredible book “Everyday Vitality,” which is another book that I will re-read until I die.

The Mel Robbins Podcast

At least once a month I need a tough love pep talk from Mel Robbins. If you don’t know where to start, here are two of my favorite episodes: Do Nothing and The Let-Them Theory. 

Hopium

I often need a daily dose of “hopium” from Simon Rosenberg, and I’ll especially need it over the next three weeks. As Simon says, “Do more, worry less.”

10% Happier Podcast

Dan Harris offers a wealth of resources. There are so many good episodes I don’t know how to recommend just one. They don’t all connect with me, and in fact I don’t listen to all of them, but when I do, I so appreciate them. 

The Photowalk Podcast

This is a show for photographers hosted by former BBC personality Neale James. But it’s not like any other photography podcast that I have found. It is refreshing and calming and inspiring and uplifting. I love it so much that next fall I am going on a week-long retreat with Neale and other pod listeners!

1. Let me give you an example of what I mean when I say I live very much in the moment. Last winter, on a dark and dreary Monday, I griped to my husband, “I mean, when is the last time I even saw the sun?!?” He looked at me, clearly baffled, and said, “It was sunny yesterday. We went for a nice hike. Remember?”

2. Regardless of what kind of phone you have, you should be able to find instructions about how to do this with some fairly simple googling.

3. Honestly, I don’t listen to, watch, or read Oprah very often, so it’s kind of weird how many of these have a connection to her!