I don't have words yet. At least not about What Happened This Week in my country. Still too soon. I do have lots of jumbled voice memos to myself full of ideas for when I'm ready. But they need time; I'm choosing to be careful rather than just blurt out the many, many things my mind very much wants to scream right now. I’m trying to feel the feelings—all of them. And I am. But there have been no tears yet. Cursing is possible; crying is apparently not.
~~~~~
Yesterday my husband flew to the other side of the world for a 10-day work trip. This trip has been planned for many months, and from the moment he first told me about it, I told him I didn’t like the idea of him going to the U.S. so soon after the election. But duty called, and the timing was out of his hands.
His absence always means that my usual routines end up discarded for something unexpected. While I like the abundant alone time, I missed him before his plane even touched down. And I find it slightly scary to be alone in a foreign country without my speaks-the-language spouse nearby. Because What If There Is An Emergency. But I always manage.
Yesterday was a long day; I sang at a choir festival outside Milan, which meant poor Bibi was home alone for 11 hours straight. When I woke up to sunshine today, I took her for a fairly short walk and then came home so I could tackle my Very Long And Important To Do List. Instead, almost as soon as we walked in the door, and almost without thinking, I got undressed and climbed back into bed and read Ann Patchett's Tom Lake until I eventually drifted off. When I woke up, the sun was warming my legs through the blankets, and it felt so comforting, so I just kept on reading. Because that is what I needed today.
Truthfully, maybe that's all I could manage today. I never even got around to having lunch. But I finally got up a little bit ago because I'm going to take Beebs out for another walk before the sun disappears.
Anyway, the actual reason I decided to write was just to share that there is a playlist on Spotify called Dark Academia Jazz, and it has provided hours and hours of soothing goodness here in our little apartment today. It's all the kinds of jazz I like, and none of the crazy frenetic ones I don't. And I thought maybe you could use hours of soothing goodness this Sunday too. So give it a spin.
~~~~~
Whether you’re American or not, if you’re also still struggling with What Happened This Week, I hope you’ll do whatever you need to do to get through today, tomorrow, this week, the holidays. You don't need to look further than the holidays, not right now. Take it a day at a time, now 'til New Year's. Maybe by then we'll all have figured out some sort of a plan. Let’s hope so.
In the meantime, I'm not giving up, and neither should you.
I love this. We’ve been thinking of moving to Europe at some point, but must be in the U.S. for at least another couple years. I’m glad I found your writings. 🙏🏽
I won't fold if you won't. Yes, I heard from many Wednesday on last week--stunned and shocked, sad--feeling lost--often wanting move to another country (move over over there!). It will be a day at a time with the chaos we already see coming. We must continue to do the right thing in an increasingly hostile society.