"Congratulations"
Sometimes dreams do come true
Hi everyone! I’ve been working for several weeks on a lengthy essay that I was intending to publish this week. However, something that I’ve been keeping confidential for two months was announced last night, so I wanted to share that with you today instead. -Michael
SUBSCRIBER SHOUT-OUTS
I am heartened to say that the response to the launch of my paid subscription options has been very encouraging. As of early March, I’ve surpassed the paid subscriber goal I’d set for all of 2024! But please don’t let that stop others of you from subscribing. My goal was essentially a baseline I’d set rather arbitrarily, a “finger in the wind” to see if this endeavor could muster a sufficient level of interest and support to justify the amount of time and attention it requires.
In my newsletters going forward, I plan to recognize a few paid subscribers—if they’ve given me permission to do so—in the order they subscribed. So today I’d like to offer my thanks to Anna R. from the Dominican Republic, and Liz K. from Massachusetts, USA, and Chris & Michelle from California, USA, and Brent from Colorado, USA, and Bruce & LaDonna from Portugal! I’m grateful to each of you for your support of and belief in my writing.
Grazie mille!
-Michael
“CONGRATULATIONS”
In late January, I was on a train from Florence to Milan when I received some of the most exciting news of my life. It came in an email from ANDANAfoto, an organization based in Spain that is focused on photography and personal development. They’ve trained over 15,000 people from 35 countries.
Earlier that month, I had entered their 2024 Photography Contest, which had the theme of “Photography to get to know yourself.” I submitted an adapted version of “Breakdown,” an autobiographical project I completed last year for my grad school program. (I’m including the photographs and my accompanying 600-word essay below.)
The message offered their congratulations, as “Breakdown” had been selected by the jury as one of five winning projects to receive the 2024 award!
It felt surreal that day on the train as I watched the Italian countryside flying by, tears on my cheeks. And it still feels surreal today, though I’ve had two months to let the news sink in.
This was not the first photography contest I’d entered; in fact, winning one was a “bucket list” goal I’d set for myself last fall. But I assumed it would be years before I achieved it—if ever. I couldn’t have dreamed it would be so soon.
I’ll be traveling to Valencia, Spain, for the ANDANA Festival on April 12th, where I’ll be presented with the award. My project will also be featured in a book entitled Photography to Get to Know Yourself, publishing later this spring. (I mean, how is this real life?!?)
I’ve been trying ever since I got the news to think of what to say about it. The best I can come up with—aside from the obvious but very true, which is that I feel incredibly honored—is that I hope this will encourage all of you to keep going, to keep trying, to keep making your art and putting your creative work out into the world.
I am a very unlikely candidate to win an international photography award. (I share the prize with four others, who hail from Spain, Mexico, the UAE, and the USA.) At 50, I left a 25-year marketing career to move from California to Italy to pursue a Master in Photography. I had no professional experience in the field, and looking back it is almost laughable how little I actually knew about it. But I felt compelled to chase this dream, and so I followed my heart.
Grad school was a wild year: though I was twice as old as my classmates, I was less experienced. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I learned so much about not only photography, but about myself. In some ways, I feel like I’ve finally grown up over the last 18 months. (In an odd twist of timing, though I finished the program nearly six months ago, my graduation ceremony is tonight!)
I’ve often had the feeling that I’m in over my head, that I don’t belong in this field, that I’m too old or too inexperienced or not creative enough, on and on and on. But I kept going. And I hope you will too. Because no one else can make your contribution to the world. No one else can use your voice. Only you!
BREAKDOWN
I recently had what I can only describe as a breakdown.
It happened after I presented photographs I’d taken for a very difficult grad school assignment that propelled me way out of my comfort zone. Though I did not enjoy the exercise, I was proud of myself for having pushed through the fear and discomfort, and I was excited about the resulting photos. The course instructor, however, was considerably less enthusiastic; he thought I’d missed the mark and hadn’t really fulfilled the assignment.
I was stunned at having received a reaction that was so different than I’d anticipated. Leaving the classroom, I tried to catch my breath and collect myself, but I found I was furious. And crushed. And completely alone. As the minutes ticked by, I only got more angry as I paced back and forth, cursing, heart and mind racing, too upset to even cry. I didn’t really know what was happening, but I realized I had lost control. I was aware that I was behaving irrationally, and I felt awkward and self-conscious about it. But I seemed paralyzed, unable to do anything, with no idea of what I even could do.
It felt, on many levels, like a very bad dream.
This was, in hindsight, one of the more surreal experiences of my life. But even while it was happening, I knew that this was about way, way more than having received critical feedback. My inner dam had finally cracked, and what broke through was years’ worth of stress, anxiety, fear, grief, and rage.
The following weekend, still shaken, I set out to tackle my next school assignment, which was to use photography of the outside world to attempt to express my inner thoughts and emotions. How timely.
I went to a park in a nearby industrial area, much of which was abandoned. Unsurprisingly, I found that I had a lot to say. I shot indiscriminately, almost wildly, for hours. Bleakness surrounded me, and I reveled in capturing it all, in ways I’d never done before. I deliberately overexposed, and underexposed, and jerked my camera around to blur my subjects. I felt unleashed.
This shoot was a turning point for me. It changed the way I think about my camera and my relationship to it. I found it exhilarating to intentionally try to speak through photography, to be an “author,” rather than simply documenting what is in front of me.
I shot all the photographs included here that day, and I think they capture those nightmarish moments for me in a perfectly imperfect way.
In the time since, I’ve been climbing out of the rubble. I’m working with a new therapist and having long-overdue conversations. I’m being kinder and gentler with myself. I’m arguing less with reality. I’m reevaluating and recognizing my limits, saying “no” and asking for help more. And I’m focusing my attention on the things I can control, refusing to be derailed by those I cannot.
As a result, I feel more truly alive than I have in a long time, and I’ve resolved that I will do everything I can to make 2024 the best year I’ve ever had.
PS: If you enjoy my writing and you’d like to support me in this endeavor, thank you! Whether you’re a long-time reader or a first-time visitor, I’m grateful to have you here.
There are many ways you can lend a hand to help me keep doing this work:
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Love that train ride.
Bravo, Michael 👍🏽